Surviving An Affair

Course Content

Total learning: 3 lessons


 thank you
for coming to this particular class of
surviving in a fair I am glad to see
that everyone has had an opportunity to
get registered please feel free to raise
your hand in the class if you have any
all right today’s class is for on
surviving and affair surviving an affair
is doable most people take a look at an
area to say oh my goodness if I if my
partner had an affair I would never be
able to survive an affair but I do want
to tell you that surviving an affair is
possible many people do go on to build
even stronger relationships than what
they had before so I’d like to start off
by having you take a quiz write down the
questions on your piece of paper if you
have a paper next to you label it one
through ten I’m going to read over the
questions and I want you to answer yes
or no now question number one if you’ve
ever said if I weren’t married I would
in fill in blanks you know that might be
I’d have I didn’t get together with this
person or I would go out with that
individual if you’ve ever said I would
if I weren’t married I would do X that’s
the more number two looking back or
turning around to get a better view if
you’ve ever done that as you’re walking
along and you see an attractive person
and you turn your head and you realize
wow and then you go back for a second
view or you stare number three you stare
in an attractive person for longer than
10 seconds now 10 seconds is an eternity
so you’re looking at them and all of a
sudden you realize oh my goodness that
is one attractive individual and you
start gawking knock it down as yes
number four if you’ve ever fantasized
about making love to someone else during
sex with your partner
that in itself is a warning sign so mark
that down is not is also a yes number
five if you’ve have ever in flirted with
another person just to feel good about
yourself just to say yeah I still get it
or I think she’s attracted to me or I
think he’s into me if you’ve ever
flirted with someone mark that down
number six if you have
an office spouse that is some people say
I got an office wife or I got an office
husband if you’ve ever had one of those
marked that down number seven
if you’ve confided in someone else for
emotional support or you pornography
now I’m sorry number seven if you’ve
ever confide in someone for emotional
support mark that down number eight if
you’ve ever viewed pornography for a
self-esteem boost or just to get a boost
in your libido or to get it you know a
charge like that down number nine if you
have a secret email account or a secret
social network profile mark that down as
a dangerous sign and number ten if you
have someone if you think of someone
else while having sex with your partner
I know that it sounds like that one got
to a psycho back in twice add all these
up and if your score comes between 15 to
20 you’re in trouble run do something
about it address yourself now if your
score comes between ten to fifteen watch
out you need to build up better
boundaries if your score is between five
and ten you’re still vulnerable
don’t let your guard up and if you score
anywhere from zero to five
you got a slight chance of having an
affair now just because you scored on a
positive on any of one of these doesn’t
mean that you are immediately in at risk
of having an affair it just means
there’s some things that you need to
sure up and pay attention to otherwise
you’re putting yourself and your
relationship in danger now what is an
affair and why do people have affairs
those are some of the things that I want
to explore with you today there are many
people that have affairs for various
reasons but before we get to that I want
to cover what are some of the myths that
are covered with affairs a couple of
myths are happy marriages don’t have
affairs well I need to tell you that
of happy people that are happily married
and they still go out and have an affair
whether it be they have a one-night
stand or whether it be that they’re
experimenting or they’re under the
influence of alcohol
happy people still have affairs so just
because you’re happy in your marriage
doesn’t mean that you are you know
you’re not at risk the other myth I will
only be attracted to my spouse once I
get married well that’s not true you’re
attracted to many people for various
reasons there are many categories of
people that were attracted to you need
to be aware of who and what types of
people you’re attracted to in order to
learn to avoid that type of person
anybody that’s been married for 20 years
they don’t have affairs
well that too is a myth just because
you’ve been married for 20 years plus
yeah matter of fact you’re even at
greater risk of having an affair the
other myth love is enough to protect my
marriage not true at all love is not
enough you have to actively protect your
marriage just because you love someone
or someone loves you doesn’t mean that
you won’t have an affair I don’t have
time for an affair many people say that
how could I have an affair of money I
got no time I’m working all the time
believe me people find time to have an
affair affairs are never an accident
they are well planned and calculated my
spouse has no reason to be jealous of my
best friend who just happens to be of
the opposite sex well your relationship
is vulnerable because that means you’re
pursuing something outside of the
marriage in the relationship in your
getting fulfilled elsewhere with age and
your person of the opposite gender so be
careful you are at risk all those things
that I just covered those are myths
about those that have affairs and those
that do not have a fare so I got a quick
question for you I want you to ponder
what is the most powerful force in the
universe think about a for a minute what
is the most powerful relationship force
in the universe it’s actually lust
lust will cause people to do some crazy
things it’ll cause you stay up all hours
of the night to 3:00 in the morning
knowing you got to get up at 5:00 in the
morning it will cause you to drive six
hours just to see someone only for an
hour lust is very powerful I also ask
you to ponder this what is the role of
trust within the relationship you see I
believe that Trust is a matter of
convenience if I trust you therefore I
don’t have to follow up and check up on
you so some people use trust as a crutch
in order to back off and not maintain a
relationship so I encourage you to not
use trust as a matter of convenience but
use trust as a place to build on but
also verify so what in the world is an
affair there are many definitions to an
affair but I also I have to ask you what
is your partner’s definition of an
affair you see if your partner has a
different definition of affair that’s
the one we go with some people say an
affair is emotional some people say it’s
physical well it starts online it’s
virtual it’s giving your attention to
another person it’s giving something
outside of this relationship to someone
else well you have to go back to the
basics take a look at what is fidelity
what do you what do I hold true fidelity
is to save yourself for only one so the
opposite question what is infidelity
does infidelity start with withholding
yourself from someone that itself is
also a definition of infidelity you know
just because you might not have a sexual
relationship with someone you can still
withhold yourself sexually from your
partner which is infidelity as well
we’re gonna go with the definition to
take a look at you know whenever you
share yourself with someone not your
partner infidelity
so trust let’s get back to trust
if you plant honesty you will grow trust
can a relationship survive without trust
that is the big question and I say yes
there are many relationships that can
survive without trust but they can’t
thrive without trust trust allows you to
grow who controls to trust in the
relationship is that you or your partner
well there are many people that dictate
their partner’s level control of trust
or they assign the local trust to their
partner they’ll say something like I
will only trust you if you do X well
Trust can never be negotiated if you’re
trying to negotiate your trust with your
that’s not trust that’s control you’ll
lose every single time and be held an
emotional hostage why in the world would
someone have an affair in the first
place well some people have an affair in
order to seek revenge they’re angry
they’re hurt or it’s a stress release or
they’re away from home or they’re under
the influence of alcohol some they’ve
experienced trauma whether it be they or
work on an evidence collection team and
they’ve experienced a horrific event
with another person they begin to
confine in that person they seek
emotional comfort with that person they
share things with that person that they
may not be able to share with their
partner at home some having an affair
about sexual fulfilment others it’s
emotional fulfillment if feeling empty
at home they’re feeling empty on a
relationship or they’re feeling lonely
and so they seek the arms of another
trying to fill the gaps even then the
affair is artificial it doesn’t
necessarily fulfill so they kill go back
and they continue to seek more others
having affair because they want to so
they’re just curious about the other
person and so they want to know if they
can get away with it and they do it many
people say I didn’t mean to hurt you
well the flip side of that is I also
didn’t try to protect you either so just
because people make the excuse they
didn’t mean to hurt someone an affair is
damaging it rips out the soul it is very
hurtful some people they’re looking at
you know disappointments and
justifications you know the a sex
becomes routine
with their partner it becomes a duty I
sex at home becomes another stress
relief sex life or takes a back burner
and they just become sex list and they
don’t have a sexual relationship with
their partner so there are many
disappointments and justifications why
people say you know what I think I
deserve to have some sex my partner’s
not giving it to me so I’m gonna go get
it somewhere else and so people use that
in order to move forward when that
happens in the home walls begin to go up
it is hard to talk through walls in the
home emotional walls keeps people
stunted couples they stop emotionally
investing each other they withdraw a
matter of fact they emotionally feel
empty or they don’t want to be
vulnerable to their partner couples get
out of sync they’re just not in harmony
they’re not connecting and oftentimes
they’re working different schedules they
fail to meet each other’s basic needs
but more often they fail to verbalize
their own needs and they just with whole
expecting their apartment to just know
that doesn’t work that way many
relationships become vulnerable because
of the lack of emotional connection they
fail to you know reach out to one
another and they also have different sex
drives one person has a higher drive
than the other let me say this there
will always be a different sex drive one
will always have a higher and one will
always have a lower that is the way that
you know a dyadic relationship works
that is the way when you have two people
works just as much as one may desire to
have children more than the other one
may desire to save more than the other
one may desire to buy a house more than
the other and so there will always be a
person in the relationship of a higher
desire for sex than the other and
oftentimes they’re expecting the their
partner to match their own desire it
doesn’t work that way
relationships they fail to flirt with
one another they stop you know pursuing
they stop giving each other that
attention and then again they begin to
flirt with others outside the
relationship they have poor work man
they have poor bounds
in the workplace their poor boundaries
with the opposite gender and for some
having a high exposure to the opposite
sex becomes a vulnerability and believe
in that family history becomes a risk
factor for many whereas they saw one
prop a parent have an affair and the
other parent stuck with them no matter
what and so they get in in their mind
that hey you know what this is the way
it’s supposed to be done yeah it doesn’t
work that way past relationships is a
predictor in a vulnerability for an
affair if you’ve been in past
relationships where you haven’t been
faithful and just because you get
married doesn’t mean that you
automatically become faithful these are
some of the things that you must work on
one of the biggest risk factors today is
social media so I’m not picking on just
Facebook but just simply getting out
there and getting exposed to past lovers
ass girlfriends past interests past high
school friends that you never said you
liked or you pursuiting you never got a
chance to pursue so in the middle age
people begin to wonder and they reach
out and they start to look for some of
these contacts that they used to have
and they find them they reek into a
friendship a rekindle a relationship
loss sudden they become curious about
those relationships and then it becomes
a secret they’re no longer sharing their
discussions with their partner they
start complaining on social media to
these other people and then they meet up
that’s a rating there is a vulnerability
and I encourage people if you’re going
to connect up with old friends make sure
your partner knows about it let your
partner know as well the other risk
factors and we’re gonna go over briefly
is withholding affection or neglecting
one another you know just simply being
angry and saying I’m not reaching out I
got my feelings hurt so forget it he’s
not interested in me she’s not
interested in me and then we begin the
reject one another
we’re simply feeling insecure in the
relationship I only feel good when I’m
getting attention and so then we become
emotionally needy they start draining
our partner of all their time and
attention and demanding that the end
center does
ms:i heart begins to withdraw from us it
is hard to make love to someone that you
have to emotionally prop up constantly
if for others the chemical attraction
that they once had in the early in the
relationship begins to drift off it
fails it falters well chemical traction
is temporary it’s meant to be that lust
to get you to seek and pursue a person
is not meant to last forever however
there’s some of things there’s some
things that we can do to continue to
pursue our partner continue to let them
know that we desire them even after the
chemical you know hormones and
pheromones begin to wane we can boost
those back up
oxytocin can be regenerated that’s that
attraction hormone that Bond’s us to
each other for some it did they keep a
secret life they’re very secretive
they’re very withdrawn they don’t
include the partner in on their inner
thoughts that makes you vulnerable
brothers it just bored they need
excitement they’re constantly pursuing
something and they get it and they get
the impression that the partner’s not
really interested in novelty or
excitement there you weigh the human
brain functions we love the novelty we
love and something new we love to pursue
other things we also enjoy comfort but
when we become comfortable and
complacent we need novelty novelty in
order to maintain our interests for some
relationships our communication barriers
and they just don’t know how to say
what’s on their mind or they’re not
willing to risk saying because they’re
not willing to risk their partner
rejecting them you know whereas they say
I’m interested in a certain position but
my partner’s not so nevermind I tried
once and that’s it they withdrawal they
hold resentment they hold grudges
against their partner for not being
willing to pursue them or their past
trust violations then resentment begins
to grow and fester you see resentment as
it grows within the relationship and
Fester’s it keeps the relationship stuck
the some of the vulnerability is
pornography or self pleasure they only
can take care of themselves and so they
use pornography as a stimulant and they
masturbate continues
in the partner they don’t have energy
toward their partner or pursue their
partner that in itself is upon the
building as we begin to open up the
windows to other influences in other
competitions we look outside our
marriage to get the needs met the
windows are open to others and it
invites others in we begin looking for
others to make us feel again or feel
something we’re vulnerable the message
there that we give our partner is
sometimes we just make up well it was
just sex at least wedding kiss the other
person it’s no big deal I deserve to be
happy that tends to be an excuse that
many people use don’t I deserve to be
happy I gotta pursue my own happiness
well my mother put up with it my father
put up with it I guess I have to I just
married the wrong person if you’re not
gonna do well I guess it’s okay the room
many people make up many excuses in have
messages when it comes to justifying an
affair here’s where I begin to tell you
if you are suspicious that your partner
is having an affair do something about
it ask them directly even if you know
they’ll I ask them anyway if they are
lying and you’re still suspicious I
encourage people all the time hire a
private investigator why I put up with
the misery why I put up with the
psychological mind games of not knowing
there are many people that are afraid to
hire an investigator yes I encourage
folks do so it puts your mind at ease
the investigator can come back with out
and find anything you’re good to go
or they may come back with well here’s
what’s going on then you have a peace of
mind of knowing you’re not going crazy
because many times people try and cover
their trails in order to hide an affair
not doable the affair and if you go to
work on rebuilding your relationship you
got to understand the affair must be
over in hiring a private investigator
helps you understand whether or not the
affair is over I often encourage folks
and tell them recovery will take about
nine months to a year
in order to heal over and even then
there’s some setbacks throughout that so
be aware of that process just because
you in therapy working on the
relationship adjust adjust addressing
the relationship doesn’t mean that the
emotions go away pay attention to them
the other thing that I encourage folks
to do get a health exam do that before
you resume sex or use a condom you never
know what diseases that may be
transmitted to you because sometimes
people are asymptomatic meaning they do
not have symptoms however you could have
a disease so please don’t rush back into
a sexual place until you know for
certain you get an exam and you ask your
partner to get an exam practice good
self-care take care of yourself
be gentle with yourself do not take it
as a reflection of you and what you did
do and what you didn’t do if your
partner had an affair it is your
partner’s behaviors that cause all the
chaos not you and not what you didn’t do
seek support
don’t tell the wrong people sometimes in
our need for support we tell the wrong
family members we tell the wrong friends
we tell people that don’t have our back
they’re not looking long-term especially
if you’re interested in rebuilding
relationship sometimes those individuals
will sabotage you and they will
undermine you and they won’t support
your efforts when trying to re-establish
the relationship what you do need to do
if you’re looking at rebuilding the
relationship is begin to turn toward one
another it’s counterintuitive but you
have to look to each other for your
support and begin to have open
conversations you’re beginning to look
at long-term are we in this together and
then you may decide at a later point you
know what I’m not in this with this
individual this individual does not have
my my partner does not have my best
interest and at that time that’s when
you may seek it isn’t that
reconciliation is not possible restoring
the relationship is not gonna work for
me it’s not in my best interest that’s
what you have to begin to decide and you
might not know right away
so sometimes therapy can help us
determine is this in my best interest a
therapist can help you it can it they
can help you be able to decide for you
not all therapists are created equal not
all of them look for your the best
interest of the relationship so you have
to also shop around after about the
third session if you find that that
particular service is not skilled in
helping you get a second opinion it’s
okay the fire a therapist in the move on
lookout for sabotage whether it be from
your partner or whether it be from you
look out for them you’re not being able
to grieve the loss of that other
relationship that other relationship is
a fantasy and it’s not real it is very
difficult for you the Left Behind
partner to compete with the fantasy so
when you deciding you when you discern
that your partner is more into the
fantasy than you be good to yourself
self take a step back and assess can my
partner commit to me and if they go back
on their word and they can’t commit to
you understand that’s the relationship
you’re in if you decide to stay with
them so give yourself an out let
yourself be honest with yourself excuse
me take time begin to take time that you
need in order to assess it doesn’t
happen overnight
you know the relationship that you built
with your partner didn’t happen
overnight begin dating each other again
pursuing each other you know do we go
out do we spend time together what kind
of time do we spend together spin
quantity time together in order to get
to the quality time you don’t get to
pick and choose which of your time is
quality it comes from quantity begin to
rekindle some of the romance do some of
the things you used to do that you enjoy
you know practice the art of for
planning the art of pursuing the art of
flirting in many people they use the
excuse I don’t know how to flirt I
forgot how not buying it because
flirting was used in order to get each
other in the very first place if your
parents if you are in the parenting
aniss remember you need to be lovers
before you are parents many couples you
know put children’s needs before the
needs of the couple I will tell you that
in itself becomes a self fulfilling fire
and many people you know ignore their
status as lovers this in itself but it
becomes an additional risk factor if
you’re the partner that was left behind
I encourage you to keep a journal write
down the questions you may want to have
answered read the questions to yourself
and determine do I really need an answer
to this question write down your
write down your emotions keep track of
what’s going on with you you know write
down how you’re feeling overwhelmed what
you were thinking and then set a
specific time every single day to meet
with your partner you guys have to agree
whether it be after the kids are in bed
let’s set aside 30 minutes every day to
talk go over your questions I would
encourage you not to get into the nitty
gritty details Andry traumatize yourself
you see many people begin to reach Ramat
eyes themselves with visuals and images
that they can’t get over that in itself
does for more damage to the brain why
our brain in itself is a magnificent
machine it begins to have its own
imagination and fill in the gaps you
need to know just enough information to
know that the trust of the relationship
was violated that in itself is what you
need to do know in order to move forward
the other thing I work on with couples
when I work with them and therapy is
helping them grant each other amnesty
you see amnesty is that ability to come
clean with what’s going on it’s I’m
gonna come clean without any obligation
that this will be held against me so
come up with two weeks of amnesty during
this two weeks is when every single day
you set aside 30 minutes and you discuss
here’s what’s going on is what I did and
you come clean and for some
relationships it’s not just the affair
it might be coming clean with I have a
hidden bank account it might be coming
clean I told my mother this I told my
family that
whole lot of things that people keep
secret and the state is the period for
both of you to come clean with your
hidden agendas discuss the facts the
scale not necessarily degree
nitty-gritty details also begin to
discuss your expectations of one another
expectations of fidelity begin to
discuss your disappointments in each
begin the discussion disappointments in
yourself this is the opportunity where
you get to become authentic this is the
place where you get to grow up at the
end of amnesty is where you get to
decide can I stay with this person or
not am I willing to work on myself and
grow myself in this relationship or not
you don’t get the chance to dictate the
growth of your partner but recognize
what would you do differently if your
partner couldn’t change couldn’t change
or refused to change because sometimes
people are not capable of change when
they’re not ready for the change or they
attempt to make change for the wrong
reason I’ll change for you I’ll change
in order to keep you know the kids happy
but it’s not real legitimate change they
can’t grow their growth becomes stunted
so you have to recognize does my partner
has limitations am I willing to tolerate
those limitations the other thing is
after the amnesty period this is where
you begin to formulate an apology you
apologize for whatever contributions you
had in the affair whatever contribution
you had in withholding whatever you know
not noticing you apologize for your
piece not for the other person not for
the person’s feelings you apologize
without justification and in this case
sometimes shorter is better people
oftentimes make long apologies in
justifications and qualifications about
an apology and it undermines the total
apology put the apology in writing put
it in a letter
be sincere be patient be sincere with
receiving the apology and be sincere
with accepting apology be patient with
granting forgiveness as well because you
may not be ready to forgive
and oftentimes I caution people from
forgiving to soon learn how to make
emotional investments in one another
learn how to avoid additional
withdrawals I will tell you while in
this amnesty period while working on a
relationship the relationship is very
vulnerable because you do not want your
partner finding out about additional
affairs you do not want your partner
finding out that your love interest made
you a CD and you find it accidentally
you don’t want that to happen that in
itself becomes devastating and then it
sets you way back to the beginning all
over again you don’t want to find out
that there are things that were unseen
children that you didn’t know about that
you or your partner didn’t know about
now if those things happen you accept it
for what it is
at that time you apologize and then you
make amends to move forward with love
that it is very difficult to move
forward without being able to come
forward with here’s all that’s going on
be willing to grant grace and learn to
forgive not just forgiving your partner
but also learning to forgive yourself
the other the second subject I’d like to
work on is put up healthy boundaries I
like to use the phrase hedges some
people don’t know how to put hedges up
around a house long time ago people when
they build houses that used to put up
hedges and hedges used to signify this
is where my property ends and this is
what’s protected inside so people can
push through hedges and they know they
love it they don’t know the hedges were
there because you come up with all kind
of scratches
sometimes hedges are too small too short
they’re not grown they’re not fully
developed people just walk over top of
them so you need to decide what is what
are your hedges I like to use this
phrase two’s company
but three’s up and some people would say
three’s a crowd
I say three’s security so for me a hedge
might be I won’t walk to lunch with a
member of the opposite gender unless
there is another person with me or
unless my wife knows about it bad itself
becomes a hedge my hedges will not be
the same as your hedges
your hedges will be based on your areas
of weakness just as much as my hedges
will be based on my areas of weakness
for some people you know it maybe I need
Net Nanny on the computer system in
order for me to avoid pornography that
may be a hedge you need to begin to
recognize what are your vulnerabilities
and how do you mitigate for those risk
factors for some people they eliminate
Facebook that’s it no Facebook for
others they maintain Facebook however
they may not have members of the
opposite sex on there as friendless
without their partner knowing about it
I always like to say you know you flirt
with your spouse I’ll flirt with mine
sometimes people begin to flirt with
other people’s spouses they have these
little small innuendos in the workplace
avoid flirting flirting is one way of
testing people’s boundaries it tests
your own boundaries and it also sets you
up for what can I get away with and many
people they jump back and they say wow
she’s flirting I’ll just have fun I will
encourage you avoid flirting at all cost
those are healthy boundaries that new
stuff becomes a hedge the other is keep
your emotional pain to yourself if
you’re having problems at home use that
emotional energy to talk to the one you
have a problem with many people
dissipate their emotional energy by
talking and venting to someone at work
people that vent do not change they just
feel better you see I always say that
when we feel better we don’t grow we
just become comfortable comfortable
people do not grow and change and when a
relationship is uncomfortable that is
the energy we need in order to address
our partner take that energy harness it
and use it to be able to talk with your
compliment the opposite sex but only in
the presence of other people sometimes
people this out was just complimenting
him on how you smelled and smelled
really good or I was just compliment on
her you know all on her outfit well do
that in the presence of other people
there you have witnesses because
sometimes people make those compliments
and they’re on the edge there on the
border and it can be received the wrong
way you always want to have a third
party you’re listening now let’s face it
in today’s culture in
the me to movement you’re gonna need
that in order to have someone to
cooperate hey were you over the line or
not and then you can also go to that
person and say hey that wasn’t too
strong was it but then again it is still
nice to be able to compliment someone
when they do a genuinely good job or
they present a good appearance that is
okay do it the proper way
keep your comments rated G don’t go into
the rated X comments don’t go into the
rated R comments but keep it on the
surface think about it this way would
you want your son or daughter to
overhear your complement of this other
person use that as a benchmark many
women we you know express ourselves
sexually different we have different
levels of affection with one another we
are wired differently and so I often
feel complaints from men that are upset
that their partner is not as interested
as they are and I also remind men that
our testosterone levels are 12 7 to 12
times higher than women and so our drive
is biologically driven that does not
mean that women do not have a sex drive
but from the get-go we men we’re wired a
little differently so we need to be
aware of that and be become patient with
our partner and begin to talk about
here’s my sexual expectations for our
relationship and be willing to receive
the rejection that our partner may
present oftentimes we men are not
willing to face the rejection and so we
just you know pout and grumpy and become
and we have temper tantrums but we
express it and it comes out in the form
of affair and it can be very hurtful and
damaging so undercovering when people
say I really didn’t mean to hurt my
partner undercover really they did so
just become aware of yourself and your
own internal hurts some meet some needs
that we men have you know men have the
need for no sexual pursuit they need
opportunity they need to be appreciated
they want spontaneity
they love visual stimulation stimuli
they love to use their imagination and
in variety they also enjoy to be
sexually fulfilled
they enjoy a recreational companion and
so they begin to pursue all these things
and when they discover that they can’t
pursue it in their partner they become
vulnerable for pursuing it outside the
marriage they also look for an
attractive partner domestic support and
they said this before but also
admiration and respect many men are
wired to want to receive respect even
more than love but you just have to
check yourself this is just a snapshot
not all men are created equal and there
may be a few on there that I missed for
you individually so as you’re listening
to this ask yourself what are my sexual
needs what helps me feel desired what do
I pursue as a man women on the other
hand do some of the things that they
enjoy and they need our exclusivity I’m
gonna be desired the only one I want
privacy many women it’s hard for them to
feel sexual when there are kids running
around there’s noise in the house
there’s other things that are
distracting it what time yeah I’d like
to have your time for some foreplay you
know for most men or place 20 seconds I
will tell you for most women it takes a
lot longer than 20 seconds to arouse
them fully now women can have sex but
they’re not fully aroused but it’s not
fulfilling 20 minutes
foreplay begin to pursue her foreplay is
the language to let people know how
interested in me are you for most men it
is a character builder to be able to
pursue someone with foreplay women enjoy
the romance to pursuit the novelty of it
the experiment you know so involved you
know it begins to come aware that as a
woman if you enjoy those things let it
be known most women want to be desired
or wanted rather than needed but
oftentimes in many relationships they’re
needed rather than desired you can’t
have both if you desire someone hmm you
have to risk that needing them or being
needed if you need someone well it’s
hard for them to desire you if you’re
so think about that for moment also
pursue most women to enjoy the pursuit
of affection conversation that’s how
they gauge whether or not you’re
emotionally connected honesty in open
you know being authentic for many women
being authentic is an aphrodisiac that
right there is the Wow
I know who he is he’s you know a person
of his word
also for meaning that family commitment
are you committed to us will you stick
around if I get the hint that you’re not
willing to stick around I’m not sure I
can respect that many women can have sex
with a man they don’t respect but their
level of respect begins to go down in
Wayne it is hard to desire them and
pursue them so if you begin to take a
look at I’m you know working on
restoration there’s some things that you
must do to restore the relationship but
begin to remove the walls communicate
communicate honestly and start to
develop accountability if there was an
affair your rights to privacy has been
removed you you have to begin to say
okay here’s my phone here’s my account
and it’s not that you want the part of
your partner to become controlling but
now you become accountable so if your
partner has hey can I get access to your
email show them if you begin to withhold
and continue to hide but that in itself
is a recipe and a setup for failure now
on the flip side you as a partner the
one that was left behind if you demand I
need to have access to all these things
in order for me to feel secure sometimes
that in itself is not necessarily
securing because then you begin to
wonder what else are missing I did a
Miss on the signs so I will tell you
begin to work on securing yourself
before you make me begin to make demands
of using your partner as a sense of
security what I mean by that is am i
okay how do I take care myself how to
rebuild my self-esteem now I’m prepared
to ask you I’d like to look at your
would you mind be willing and be able to
receive when your partner refuses or
they hesitate just understand that’s not
love you that’s a reflection of them and
where they’re at and not all couples
grow at the same time saying rape many
couples grow separately independently so
be prepared for that close off the
windows eliminate competition it is hard
to restore a relationship if your
partner is still having an affair so if
you determine that your partners to have
an affair that in itself you can’t move
forward you have to eliminate the lover
you have to eliminate competition you
also have to begin to establish what are
the hedges of this relationship now I
have to establish my own hedges now my I
might grant my wife a gift and say these
are the hedges I’d rather establish but
if she begins to demand
I put hedges in place that in itself
people begin to undermine those and
sabotage those so you can’t demand
hedges for your partner but you can
suggest and you can ask but once you
demand hedges can never be negotiated if
they are they’ll never be trusted fully
so how about what about it what do you
do what’s next well you also continue to
eliminate pornography if pornography was
the stimulant of choice begin to
eliminate external competition whether
it be massage special massage parlors
begin to focus the sexual energy toward
your partner drop the lover outside the
relationship as I said before drop the
emotional support at the office meaning
stop venting to other people you know
about the emotional complaints within
the marriage if you need someone the
vinta to go to a minister go to a
therapist go to your partner begin to
turn an energy inward seek amnesty seek
forgiveness begin to work on becoming
forgivable begin to take a look at
what’s realistic for us in this
drop all unrealistic expectations start
talking about what is it that you fear
the most what scares you the most about
our relationship
it scares you the most talked about it
you see as we begin to do what scares us
the most we’re no longer bound by fear
doing something while afraid is called
courage and I’ve seen some courageous
couples in my lifetime do some scary
things you know admit to some things
admit to themselves and so begin to
start talking about what are the things
you’re afraid of what are you afraid of
losing what are your expectations
what are your relationship goals what do
you want to get out of this relationship
moment ago I mentioned forgiveness begin
to discuss forgiveness what does that
look like how do you define forgiveness
I’m gonna give you my definition of
forgiveness and I’ll tell ya I don’t
even like my definition of forgiveness
forgiveness comes in two parts it is
acknowledging the pain in the hurt me
disappointment that the other person
inflicted on me the other is you know
forgiveness is rarely for the other
person it is giving up your rights to
retribution and punishment it is not
holding a grudge against them even
though you know they’re capable of doing
it again you see forgiveness is not the
same as forgetting forgiveness is
choosing not to recall and use it as a
there are many couples that say Ya Ya Ya
I forget I forgave him but then it comes
back up time and time again that’s not
true forgiveness now you will have
fleeting images you will have things
that will come to your memory but not
recalling it as with at will and using
it as a weapon his hand you remember you
did that a couple years ago you know I
guess Weiss exactly I can’t trust you
now that in itself is not forgiveness
the other thing to hold in your mind is
forgiveness and resentment cannot
coexist in the same space in the same
mind resentment will trump forgiveness
every single time so if you find that
you’re still resentful you haven’t
forgiven so begin to work on forgiveness
not too soon what is it you’re forgiving
what’s the pain what’s the
disappointment what’s the exhale
what is the extent of it
then choose to forgive later so
sometimes forgiveness doesn’t come for a
few months and that’s okay too but be
willing to look at it every day what
does it mean for you on a flipside if
you were the one that had the affair
seek forgiveness acknowledge you were
wronged make retribution you know begin
to work on atonement how can i atone for
this how can I go back and make things
right how can I be honest how can I be
trustworthy how can I become accountable
you see as you begin to cut you plant
honesty that in itself plants and grows
trustworthiness make healthy deposits in
the relationship you see at this point
the relationship deposit rate is ten to
one you have to make ten healthy
deposits for every one negative
withdrawal and in some cases some people
their relationship is bankrupt because
of an affair a violation of trust and so
if your partner chooses to forgive you
or give you a loan forgiveness then the
account is still at zero you got a lot
of work to do in order to build up
enough credibility and interest in this
account so begin to invest in your
partner’s love account take care of
business communicate invest bond with
one another do something brand new
something that’s out of both of you
all’s comfort zone in order to create
new bonds with one another and the other
thing I encourage folks to do is plant
hedges and protect what you want to you
know enjoy and invest in otherwise you
can lose it again now there are many
references that this material has been
drawing from you know a couple of books
that I like or a torn asunder
I like hedges his needs her needs I’m
not just friends five love languages if
you want more information about what to
do from here please contact me it will
be on the web address it will be in the
course network area and I’ll put this in
there so you could begin to look at what
books you find that will help you the
other thing I want to bring to you
tension is if you need additional help
other courses pay attention to our
course lists we’re gonna begin to
present more more websites
sorry web webinars the next webinar that
we have coming up is going to be on
couples in finance so the marriage
economy many couples fight over finances
why should you fight over finances there
there is a way for you to move forward
and so I’m gonna present that for some
of you all you may be thinking wow if I
take all these courses you can get
expensive well to cut back on the
expense we also have a membership a
program if you begin to invest in the
membership all members get all courses
for free you know so some of our courses
will cost you you know thirty bucks
some of our courses will cost 100 bucks
they’re gonna it just depends on the
variety the membership is one monthly
fee of $39 once your membership is paid
you can take all the courses you want
whether there be you know those that
costs eighty ninety dollars those that
are free they’re available for you as we
continue to develop our e-learning
platform and grow promise to email you
in make changes my goal is to make
constant improvements and to make this
as user-friendly as possible I recognize
not everybody wants to go to therapy not
everybody needs to go to therapy but I
want this information to get out there
to you I encourage you to share this
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if you have additional questions please
send them my way thank you for joining
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